Some theaters aren't even showing Valentine in 3-D, which defeats the whole fun. (If you're forced to watch it in 2-D, I would advise you to refund your money.) As a slasher movie, without the visual gimmickry, the remake is nothing we haven't seen before.
Now, is this a faithful remake you ask? Besides the title, no. But its '80s predecessor wasn't that great to begin with; it was a copy-and-paste job of every other '80s slasher flick. Now, this in-name-only slasher pic is set in the small Pennsylvania town of Harmony, which hasn't celebrated Valentine's Day since six miners died in a cave-in caused by the owner's son, Tom (Jensen Ackles). Then, the sole survivor, Harry Warden, hacked up a bunch of partying teens in the mine one night and shorty after the massacre, Tom split town. Ten years later (yes, ten), Tom comes back to sell the mine and reconnect with his former flame, Sarah (Jaime King), who's now married to his old rival/the sheriff Axel (Kerr Smith). Then someone dressed as a coal miner with a pickaxe starts painting Harmony red. Could it be Harry Warden after a decade? Or is it hunky, mysterious Tom? The red herrings go on.
Valentine Is Best Served in Third Dimension
Director Patrick Lussier (producer of Wes Craven movies) uses the latest 3-D technology in the cleverest and most outrageous ways for this kind of film: gouged-out eyes spring at the camera, a jaw is thrown at us, the pickaxe swings at the audience, and even a nude woman jiggles in our eyes.
Even though no one goes to these movies for acting, logic, or story construction, the acting is adequate at best. King doesn't have much to do as Sarah, except run and scream. TV stars Ackles of Supernatural is a stilted actor but he's serviceable as Tom, and Smith of Dawson's Creek plays his typical jerk persona. It's also a nostalgic treat for fans to see '80s horror vet Tom Atkins (The Fog, Creepshow, and Halloween III).
Scares and Laughs Are Delivered in Equal Measure
From a script by Todd Farmer and Zane Smith, with credit to the 1981 script, the whodunit story isn't entirely obvious. This new My Bloody Valentine has too much of a self-aware sense of humor to be all that scary (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), but it does have some tensely creepy set pieces, especially a chase in a grocery store where Sarah works. In the movie's one scene of gratutious female nudity, the uninhibited Betsy Rue has the courage as the token slut Irene, who for a whole five minutes runs around completely naked and hides in a motel room until her "close-up."
For a gleefully exploitative drive-in throwback, the kills are in-your-face and the gore is amusingly nasty. It's kind've early for Valentine's Day, but make a date to see this cheesy, bloody lark.
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