Review - Rob Zombie's Halloween (2007)
Michael Meyers Returns in one of the Worst Horror Movies in Years
May 4, 2009
Remakes are not inherently bad. This March's The Last House on the Left is, in many respects, superior to the original. The same goes for 2006's The Hills Have Eyes. The Ring is an effective Americanization of Japan's Ringu.
While there are definitely completely unnecessary remakes, that has more to do with the final product than the general notion of remakes themselves. The blame for a bad remake lies with the filmmakers.
For many horror lovers, Halloween is a classic with few rivals in the genre. The vitriolic reaction to remaking it was perfectly understandable, especially since writer/director Rob Zombie had bad-mouthed remakes not long before agreeing to make Halloween. Some people have very short memories (or very flexible principles).
Rob Zombie's Different Approach was a Good Idea
Zombie, who also directed House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects, decided to put his own spin on the tale of Michael Myers. Considering how dreadfully boring and pointless overly faithful remakes have turned out (Psycho and The Omen), a fresh angle was a good idea.
Sadly that is where the good ideas end. Zombie's Halloween is atrocious and a poor excuse of a horror movie. It exemplifies why so many people are turned off by the genre.
Zombie is a Terrible Writer
In the remake, viewers get to how and why Michael Myers becomes a monster. While obvious, this was a disastrous idea. Nothing kills a good mystery faster than going overboard explaining it. Part of what makes the original work so well is not knowing. Michael is just plain evil, and that is far scarier.
Continuing his fascination with hillbillies, Zombie's Myers has a traumatic (and cliched) childhood. His mother is a caring stripper, but her boyfriend is an abusive drunk. The kids at school call him nasty names and hate him. This leads to the requisite animal abuse.
What happens to young Michael would be disturbing if it was not so comical. What happens to him is awful, no doubt, but Zombie is as subtle as a sledgehammer.
The lout of a boyfriend and the kids at school appear to be having a contest. Whomever utters the F-word more wins a cash prize. They say it so often it and in such odd places you would swear Zombie is joking. Plus, there is priceless dialogue like "that kid's got herself a nice little dump." Honestly, who talks like that? Writing has never been Zombie's strong suit, and that is on full display in this movie.
Halloween's Bloated Midsection is a Bore
After committing a few murders, Michael is institutionalized. The midsection consists of Dr. Loomis and lots of psychobabble. It really slows the movie down. Like everything else, none of it is remotely interesting or anything viewers have not seen before.
Finally, Michael is all grown up. Somehow, a scrawny 10 year-old becomes a massive, 6'8" tall hulk. He escapes quite easily and returns to Haddonfield to find his sister Laurie.
Stalk and Kill for the Duration
The final section of Halloween is a routine slasher pic. Michael laboriously stalks and slaughters horny teenagers. For some reason he passes on multiple opportunities to kill Laurie, instead slowly wandering around the town, killing side characters.
It all becomes redundant in a hurry. Michael is seen in the shadows. The teens have no idea he is lurking nearby. Eventually he makes his presence known and kills them. None of this is scary.
There are also glaring implausibilities. Michael hid a huge knife and mask underneath his old house. Surely the police would easily find them. Also, it is highly unlikely that in 2007 a teenage girl could run through the streets screaming with no one calling 911 or doing anything to help.
Zombie Needs to Give it a Rest
Zombie needs to move past his white trash obsession. To say it has gotten old is an understatement. Just make a documentary about them if you want to continue chronicling their lives.
He also needs to work on his storytelling. He is not a bad director, but his writing is awful and his pacing is no better. His Halloween is way too long and slow while being full of unintentionally funny dialogue.
There is no polite way to say it. This is horror at its absolute worst. Tyler Mane is an imposing figure and the classic John Carpenter score is still chilling and excellent, but other than that this remake has nothing going for it. It is a wretched piece of work.
