Sorority Row (2009) - Film Review
Stylish Horror Remake Delivers Comedic Camp If Not Ample Scares
The slasher remake train may be running out of steam, yet that apparently isn't about to stop hungry producers looking for the next quick cash-in. Now that the lucrative Halloweens and Friday The 13ths have been exhausted, Hollywood is combing the b-movie video shelves with aims of retooling lesser known properties such as My Bloody Valentine and Prom Night.
These new films seldom resemble their vintage sources, and often retain "remake" status just to reap the benefits of a built-in audience due to title recognition. Yet how many people recall the 1983 college slaughterfest The House On Sorority Row? Regardless, that ultra-cheap forgotten shocker has been given a facelift and refashioned into a campy commentary on bland rich girls and their vapid lifestyles.
Audrina Patridge Knows How To Play Dead
While the original film (written by Mark Rosman, netting story credit here) focused on the murder of a sorority house mother, the unlucky subject in this version is none other than The Hills' blank-eyed Audrina Patridge. She plays Megan (aka slutty girl "A"), who plays dead as part of a ruse to castigate her cheating boyfriend Garrett (Matt O'Leary). The rest of the girls are so willing to take this game to the next level that Garrett ultimately freaks and impales her with a cross shaped tire iron. Oops.
The snotty group leader Jessica (Leah Pipes) is less worried about having been a party to a murder than she is about what it can do to her privileged life. She works overtime at convincing the rest of the girls to follow her lead and dump the corpse in a nearby mine shaft before moving on to bigger and better things. Months later, someone apparently knows what they did last semester as a robed figure begins taunting them with threats and evidence from the murder scene. Mass evisceration quickly follows.
Sorority Row Pledges To Murder The Mean Girls
Surprisingly, this film has a few things going for it. The stunt casting pays off - a mousy Rumer Willis (daughter of Bruce and Demi) joins a moralistic Briana Evigan (daughter of Greg) in the "actor parents" camp, while Audrina and The Real World: San Diego's Jamie Chung fill out the "famous for no reason" corner. Amazingly, each girl does just fine in the acting department, and the viewer can get a sick, vicarious thrill from watching Patridge's untimely on-screen demise.
The script (adapted by Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger) has lofty aspirations as a social satire, even if it never ultimately delivers the goods. It wavers between celebrating and lampooning the hollow sisterhood and loose behavior found in Greek collegiate circles. Interestingly, many gender traditions of the genre are upended, particularly in the nihilistic, sex-starved party girl aptly named Chugs (Even Stevens' Margo Harshman).
Where the film fails to break new ground is in the run-of-the-mill (yet very creative) killing sequences. The mysterious robed figure feels too similar to Ghostface from the Scream series. Unfortunately, that film spawned a rash of Kevin Williamson-bred storytelling in which protagonists have no visceral reaction to seeing their friends brutally murdered. This film falls into that postmodern trap, favoring quips and gags over humanity.
Director Hendler Repaints Sorority Row With A Stylish Look
This is not to suggest that comedy has no place within the horror genre - far from it as this year's stellar Drag Me To Hell has proven. Yet it gets tiring watching the discovery of a desiccated corpse being met with the bon mot "She looks terrible." It's a cute spin on the cattiness of these cut-throat girls, but it's hard to remain emotionally invested in their lives when, as Willis' character Ellie points out early in the movie, they do all deserve to die.
The film completely falls off the rails with the revelation of the killer's identity, and only Carrie Fisher as a tough-as-nails house mother can supply entertainment during the drawn out, ludicrous finale. Yet while the script drops the ball, newcomer Stewart Hendler proves a capable enough director. The cinematography remains vibrant and attractive despite its harsh contrast and desaturated colors, in essence reflecting the beauty and ugliness inherent in its young subjects.
There's no real tension found in the piece, apart from the usual collection of quiet moments punctuated by overly loud noises and sudden appearances from the killer. However, the intricate, grisly killings (including a hilarious moment of bubble-bath mayhem) will surely keep avid Fangoria readers enthralled. While it squanders its potential for becoming a horror-ized Heathers, it nonetheless delivers enough viscera, attitude, bare breasts and cheap laughs to satisfy opening weekend thrillseekers.
Rating: 5 out of 10
- Sorority Row (2009)
- Directed by Stewart Hendler
- Adapted by Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger from a script by Mark Rosman
- Starring Rumer Willis, Audrina Patridge, Carrie Fisher, Briana Evigan
- Running Time 101 minutes
Briana Evigan In Sorority Row
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